Today some of the Olympia ladies and I were discussing jealousy. That discussion led to a contemplation of monogamy, something about which I think the vast majority of us may be lying to ourselves.

Monogamy is an easy word with a plain meaning. It simply means that one only has a single sexual partner. The majority of us consider ourselves to be monogamous, and certainly the vast majority of us hold up monogamy as an extremely high and important ideal.

I think however that if we are to truly think about monogamy, we must be honest with ourselves. Are we truly monogamous, or is it a fiction about ourselves that we tell ourselves?

Most people blissfully engage in premarital sex, a huge percentage of people have affairs, and the percentage of divorced people is off the charts it seems. None of this is monogamy. We can lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that it is monogamy, but that doesn't make it so. If we are honest we must admit that it is serial monogamy. Engaging in sexual contact with only a single partner at a time.

Why then, if so very few people actually practice monogamy do we consider it to be such an important way to live?

Do we truly believe that one other individual can possibly meet all of our mental, emotional, and physical needs for the rest of our life? Do we truly believe that we can do that for another? Is not this unrealistic expectation the true cause of so many divorces in our society?

I don't know the correct answer to these questions, but I do know that they are worth asking. I do know that we should at least acknowledge the fact that we might all be happier and have a more stable society if we stopped trying to live up to an ideal that so few people can actually achieve, and if we stopped expecting our partners to do so as well.

'Deep, bat-shit, crazy, emotional, passion' is often mistaken for love. It's not, but it sure feels great when we experience it with a new partner. That's the thing though; we only get to experience that craziness with someone new. It fades with time, and if we are lucky love remains. We do though confuse that crazy passion with love, and when it fades we convince ourselves that our love has gone. Would it not be possible for humans to love one and experience that crazy passion with another? Again, I can't claim to know, but it is worth asking.

What I do know is where jealousy comes from. Jealousy comes from a mistaken view that romance is a zero-sum proposition. We irrationally believe that if our partner loves another, he or she will love us less. This is a shockingly strong and universal impulse, but is clearly proven wrong by the children that surround us. Does a mother loose her love for her first born when the second child comes along? Of course not. Her love expands to encompass them both. If we were all able to realize that if our partner loved another that fact did not necessarily cheapen or remove his or her love for us, perhaps we would be able to overcome feelings of jealousy and the negative impacts such feelings have upon our lives.

Can we overcome those feelings? Can we think about love rationally? Again, I don't know, but I do know that the questions are worth asking.

As a society we are failing at the marriage game. The majority of marriages do not last. Perhaps we need to rethink marriage, rethink monogamy. Create new ideals that the vast majority of people can actually live up to.

Our generation will not do this, but perhaps future generations will.